The sexual intimacy between my friends and I has liberated me and helped me immensely on my path of sexual healing. I want to bring light to this subject and share my personal experiences.
I used to experiment sexually with my girl friends when we were younger; kissing, touching and even rubbing our genitals on each other. It came from such a pure place of curiosity. I had urges in my body and wanted to explore the sensations. This was the mutual feeling between all of us. We were so excited by the idea of being with boys but wanted to practice on each other, and felt comfortable doing so.
This came to a holt when my mum accidentally walked in to find my friend and I with our tops off, hiding under my desk in the bedroom. I still remember the shame that came over me and the frustration I felt knowing there was nothing wrong with what we were doing, but also acknowledging that it would’ve looked bad and been confronting for my mum to see. So the exploration ceased until my adult life.
Physical affection was something I thought I was only able to find in romantic relationships, but what I longed for was affection and intimacy between friends also. My family was not overly affectionate so it is something I had to consciously change in my character; to be more open and extend the love I felt in a physical manner to those closest to me. I’m lucky enough to have attracted people in my life that helped me breakdown these blocks I had around showing affection. What I began discovering was that other women had this same desire for closeness and bonding between one another.
I want to share a story about my friend Victoria and I that happened quite a while ago. We have been on a very similar path of sexual healing and often do yoni massages on each other. It was my second time receiving a massage from her. I felt particularly relaxed and open this time, and there was very little tightness and tension in my yoni. My arousal started to build and my breath deepened. Letting out the first moan was often a bit of a hurdle for me but I always found comfort in Vici’s rhythmic yogic breath which brings my attention back into my body. I could feel that she was completely present with me, later confirming that she felt as though she was in a trance like state.
My hips began to move of their own accord as Vici’s finger thrusted in and out rubbing on my g-spot. The speed of my hip movements naturally increased and my yoni drew Vici’s finger deeper inside. After some time, my arousal very quickly ascended into a peak then a sudden drop. She asked me how I felt as my yoni had closed in tightly around her finger, to which I replied “I think I had an orgasm.”
I want to explain to you that I’ve never climaxed during sex, in fact nobody had ever made me climax, or rather I was never able to fully surrender myself with anyone before. So the first person I climaxed with was my best friend!
I believe there were many contributing factors to this transformative experience.
~ I was able to fully receive. I didn’t have to move any part of my body or even make a sound, I was able to just lay there and completely melt into the experience knowing I didn’t have to give anything to Vic other than my presence.
I know I’m not alone when I say this; I used to feel the need to perform during sex rather than allow raw expression, without actually being aware of it in the past. I made porn like sounds to ensure my partner knew I was enjoying it and held my body in just a way that ensured my body rolls and double chin were not visible. My partner’s pleasure held more importance to me than feeling my own pleasure.
None of this matters with friends as they see me in my most raw state; scrunched up face when I cry, the multiple chins and bloated belly, and love me regardless. So naturally this helps me feel more relaxed sexually as there is already such comfortability between us.
~ I also felt safe with Vici and if emotion was to surface I knew she was able to hold space for me. This is a huge one, to feel safe to express my emotional side of being without fear of judgement, and to feel held and supported through a release. Nothing came up for me in the way of emotion during this particular session but it was the assurance of knowing I was in a safe space if anything was to surface. This allowed me to drop any tension I had around trying to contain my emotions. Our wild essence is not always ‘sexy’ in the typical sense. I can feel deep rage yet still feel pleasure, I can sob uncontrollably and still feel pleasure. I knew I was able to express the extremes of these expressions, therefore I could completely surrender myself in Vici.
~ Climax was not the goal of the massage! I have come to resent the fixation around climax. Whenever I felt pressure to climax by sexual partners, it pushed my potential orgasm even further away, to the point where I stopped enjoying oral because I could feel the anticipation of them waiting. It felt more to do with their self assurance and wanting to be seen as a ‘good lover’ then it was about actually pleasuring me. Pressure or expectation does not result in orgasm or arousal. At least this is truth for me.
~ I knew Vic would be comfortable if I was aroused, and that if she was also feeling aroused it would not interfere with the practice or my personal experience.
Sexual energy does not automatically mean attraction toward the person giving nor does it act as an invitation.
Knowing that Vic was coming from a pure place rather than a place of personal sexual desire, allowed me that feeling of safety in my sexuality. Part of taking back my sexual power was about owning my arousal as something that is inside of me, rather than it being about sexual attraction to the other person. I believe that arousal grows in you, flourishes in you and regardless of outside stimulus, is all within you.
The women in my life have a mutual desire for growth, particularly around sexual healing, and let’s face it, everything is funner when you do it with a friend! The eagerness we share for sexual healing just acts as fire and passion between us. When we explore each other it enables us to feel comfortable in our sexuality, we liberate ourselves and assist each other in moving past blocks of shame. The healing work I have done with friends also directly effects the kind of lover I am. When I heal sexually, it alters the experiences I have with men and the way I relate to them. Seeing your friends yoni, and naked body, and for you to also be witnessed can help you to make peace with your own body. After seeing so many yoni’s I have a love and fascination for the intricate differences between them.
There is still attraction and arousal between us but we let it flow rather than stifling it with shame. Consent and open communication being the solid foundation for our experiences. Often women feel this attraction to friends but there is also fear around acting on it in case it changes the connection from friendship to lover. Or fearing that it will turn ‘awkward’ after a sexual encounter. But what if there is fluidity in how we relate, moving from lovers to friends to empowering women to our inner child moment to moment. Being seen in all your archetypes can feel extremely vulnerable but also deeply empowering. So many women have confided in me that they have always wanted to be with a women sexually, and I think it is so beautifully natural. It’s ok if we are attracted to each other sexually, we are sexual beings, and for women, intimacy and heart connection are strong keys for arousal. So it makes sense there is a curiosity.
This is about creating intimacy in friendship circles beyond the social norm, and building a new paradigm for how we relate to our girl friends; the sister connection. Let’s masturbate together, massage each other, hold each other and kiss each other if that feels right for us. Does it mean we are lesbians or bi-sexual? I think it’s acknowledging that sexual desire can be fluid in both sexes.
What is important is that we support one another in reaching our fullest potential, including liberating our sexual selves. There is a God and Goddess inside all of us, and we can utilise our friendship as a way of accessing this. Let growth be the commonality we share as we help raise each other’s consciousness around sexuality.