I left my beautiful home, my deeply supportive soul family and life comforts to go within for the last 3 months. Sometimes I feel the need to remove myself from everything and everyone that defines or shapes who I think I am in order to see myself without the reflections around me, so that I can discern which aspects of myself are no longer serving me in a positive way. However this wasn’t just a time of gentle introspection, I could feel on a subtle level that major shifts were due to occur.
What a whirlwind, going from Vipassana, ISTA (epic Tantra course), to a yoga ashram. It felt as though I was moving from one extreme way of being to another with little time to process the changes that were occurring. I pushed through resistance of my mind, emotional and physical body and met with rage, heartache and feelings of deeply rooted abandonment and rejection. I did however collect new tools from ISTA and utilise existing tools from Vipassana in order to help move through these emotional triggers. I found unexpected pleasure in accessing these dense emotions through vocal release and body movement. I’ve returned with deeper embodiment, and accessed power within my womb that I was afraid to own in the past.
Today I suggested to my best friend Victoria that we masturbate together. We have both struggled with motivation to self pleasure in the past so it helps to do it together. It wasn’t the first time we have masturbated together but certainly the most transformative.
I feel as though you can never predict where sexual energy will take you. The more I try to direct the energy, the less fulfilling the experience. So it has become a discipline of allowing rather than forcing, letting the subtle whispers of the energy itself guide me.
We started our masturbation practice by deepening our breath and allowing sound to arise (regardless of whether the sound was ‘pretty’ or sexual), and it soon became apparent that we both needed to release some shit. Acting as a catalyst for each other to dive deeper into our current emotional state. Moving through it with my friend is inspiring and effective, providing more strength to work through any emotions that surface.
As I moved the energy, I continued touching my whole body using different pressure and strokes. Occasionally slapping my thighs, changing positions and circling my hips, letting out deep moans and screaming as the intensity of energy increased. At the same time hearing Vic releasing sound next to me added fuel to my fire, encouraging me to be louder and more explosive. It feels rather primal and to some maybe appears ‘crazy’, but raw expression feels intuitive and fiercely unapologetic.
Sexual energy and emotions are so deeply intertwined, so when I felt as though I released enough I started to move into gentler touch and self pleasure around my yoni. As I climaxed I fell into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, which felt delicious. Orgasms don’t have to look or sound any particular way, period. The more I embody this, the more expansive my experiences.
Instead of ending the practice because of the descend in arousal (which is what I believe a lot of women are conditioned to due to sex being focused mainly on male ejaculation), I continued to touch and caress myself, feeling into my body and sensations. Trying not to abandon myself in this moment just as I wouldn’t like for a partner to abandon me after climax. I feel that attentiveness to self is important before, during and after masturbation.
So what sound does your body want to make if you stopped moulding it into what we perceive as sexually pleasing? What would your self pleasure practice look like if you relaxed a little more and let go of control? How does your body long to move?
Sometimes anger or sadness may be present and deserves to be expressed just as much as our sexual pleasure. I feel when emotions are given the freedom to move and actually be seen, felt and heard, then sexual expression more easily flows.
My masturbation practice has organically turned into a practice of self care, where I give space for my pain to transform. This is my new form of pleasure; getting kinky with my emotions.