Crystal Dildo

IMG_6396A few months ago I had my first experience using a clear quartz crystal wand. It was quite profound and I wanted to share the experience as I feel there is a strong need for women to heal sexually, and for us to connect with our bodies more deeply.

My intention for purchasing the wand was to replace the toxic relationship I had with my vibrator and the unhealthy addiction I had with instant clitoral orgasms. It had prevented me from exploring inside myself and discovering my desires. I wanted a more wholesome, healing self pleasure practice. I also intended to de-armour my yoni, more specifically my cervix. The cervix holds the potential for deep orgasmic pleasure, but can also hold pain. I see it as an untapped part of the yoni, a part that most women are unaware of. The cervix is connected to the heart, so I believe that through healing the cervix, it helps heal and open the heart.

One night when I was home alone, I put on relaxing meditative music and began massaging my body, focusing on the breasts and inner thighs long before reaching my pussy. When she; my pussy, felt ready, I slowly inserted the wand until it reached the back and touched my cervix. I applied light pressure, and a feeling of discomfort immediately arose, so I continued to hold it in the one spot and breathed into it. The more my breath deepened, the more the pain eased. I gently increased the pressure until pain was present and I had reached my threshold. I did this several times, only moving very slightly to different areas around the cervix.

Deep breath was a catalyst for the magic that happened that night. Without realising, I had been shallow breathing for years and only really finding out in the last 6 months how to breathe properly; through my stomach, letting it balloon out. All these years of trying to hold my stomach in for aesthetic purposes had taught my body to breathe into my chest which feels very restricting, and I believe shallow breathing played a part in disconnecting me from my body and from pain. I consciously try to catch myself when I’m not breathing deeply enough now, in order to move the energy around my body, and to make me feel more alive.

I felt a stirring in my throat and started to release sound with each breath. At first I was faced with a wall of judgement and shame, but I reminded myself that nobody would hear, so I thought fuck it. Then I unleashed. The sounds that came out were unexpected, I wasn’t just crying, I was bellowing and whaling. It was like opening a floodgate of emotion. It was mournful, so raw and I had never heard these sounds. I try not to attach a story to emotional releases but it felt like the sounds were coming through me rather than of me, like the release of past generations of women, or perhaps those women were me and it was the sorrow I carried through from past lives. The reasoning was irrelevant. I was sobbing so uncontrollably that it took my breath away and I became exhausted. I pushed out the last of the energy I had and the crying transformed into a childlike fit of laughter. A feeling of lightness immediately washed over me and replaced the dense energy that I had been carrying around. What a beautiful release.

That was the most intimate experiences I have had with myself, actually, with anyone. I did not experience an ‘orgasm’ in the normal sense but it was far more special than any muscle contraction I have had. I witnessed the pain and allowed it to transform from hurt to love. I met a deep part of myself that night, and I allowed her space to finally be heard. This was an orgasmic state, a blissful afterglow, intimacy I had been longing for, a crygasm even.

I have come to be very fond of my tears. It’s one of my most favoured forms of release, a feeling of surrender. When I cry now it almost feels like a rebellious act, a fuck you to society for telling my inner child that crying is not ok or that I am too loud or too much. I am becoming so familiar with the strong but subtle force inside myself that only emanates love and compassion, be it my higher self or god force energy. It is always present behind these walls of pain, a stable rock supporting my constant ebbs and flows, the small flickering light in my darkest moments.

This is why I am passionate about yoni massage, to help release tension from trauma or past hurts that the body may still be holding onto and to move through any shame or guilt surrounding sexuality in order to feel empowered. Conscious touch can be deeply healing and if you’re not comfortable with a practitioner you can use a wand or even fingers to massage the inside of your yoni and start the process of releasing.

The deeper you breathe, the deeper you go. Breath is magic.

Love to the yin energy, my sisters, the maidens, crones, warriors, whores and saints.

6 Comments

  1. Beautiful, honest, raw, amazing story Genna, love your openness, vulnerability, and beautiful expression. Please keep writing.
    💚 X

  2. Wow! I so am interested in this. I know I have years and years of built up pain, guilt etc I need released. Can you link me to where I can learn these breathing techniques?

    1. I didn’t use any specific techniques on this particular occasion, I was just breathing in very deeply and slowly, then letting out sound with each exhale.
      Urban Tantra book has a few good techniques though, Clench and Hold (or the Big Draw) is my favourite which you can probably google. Pranayama classes are also great to connect you with your breath. Good luck 🙏🏻🌸

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