In the last few years I had been longing for a deep connection, more than what I had ever personally experienced. For my soul; the essence of who I really am, to be truly seen, to connect on all levels with someone, for them to meet me at the depths of my mind, to be emotionally available, to be real and raw with me. What I attracted was quite the opposite. I had settled for guys knowing their intentions, lack of love, and the energetic mismatch it was. The sex was not about intimacy, it was purely base chakra orientated, a physical release, and hearts were vacant.
These guys weren’t the problem though. I didn’t acknowledge it at the time but I went from guy to guy trying to fill a void within, saying yes when my heart was saying no. I eventually lost my desire for sex, I lost myself. My heart, mind and body were not in alignment. It wasn’t a concrete plan that I set out to abstain from sex, it just felt right at the time and I had to listen to my body. This began a reshaping of my entire being.
I was overseas when I started feeling this way. I went from stripping, where I embody my sexual state, living in a humid environment where my body thrives and I feel the most sensual, to a place that was ice cold and the only skin on display was my face. This began the questioning of – who am I if I am not a sexual being? What connection can I have with men if sex is not on the table? My physical identity also changed shape. I lost my summer tan and got dreadlocks at the time, which I had always wanted, but at first this crushed my confidence. Who was I without my long blonde hair? It felt like I had lost my femininity. I had thoughts that I wouldn’t be able to strip again because I no longer felt desirable. These thoughts seem silly now and at the time I knew these feelings would pass, but regardless, my ego was rattled and it pushed me out of my comfort zone. Although, the quiet observer within me knew this was good for my ego and it really allowed me to see what thought patterns and attachments lay underneath the confident exterior.
Once I accepted these thoughts I had about myself, I surrendered to the feeling. I stopped caring so much about whether I was physically desirable to the opposite sex and it actually felt like a relief. I was able to just be. I had gotten so used to communicating with men at work by flirting and using my body, it was refreshing to just get back to my raw self, who I truly am. I didn’t have to entertain anymore.
I often had an emotional attachment to at least one guy. If things weren’t working out with one guy, I would go to another, seeking temporary satisfaction and to know that I was still desirable to someone. All the while convincing myself that there was no problem because I was aware of what the situation was, assuming this would prevent me from getting hurt. I was ignorant. I didn’t accept at the time that I was doing myself harm by having casual, loveless sex. In the end, feeling hurt by someone else not loving me was easier than accepting there was a void and lack of love inside myself. The attention that I received from men enhanced my ego, and when I stopped feeding from this it was just me and my truth. This was an unexpected pain I had to face. I went through very dark, heavy, empty feelings throughout this journey and there were many days where I couldn’t leave the house. I had other things going on at the time that was linked to this darkness that I was feeling, but instead of distracting myself with sex and boys, I allowed whatever emotions I had to come to the surface so I could feel the depth of them.
My path naturally progressed to discovering how to practice self care and building a stronger relationship with myself. It’s so cliche and is said so many times, that we must love ourselves so others can love us. I thought I had self love down pat but if you’ve never had self love how do you know what it feels like? I thoroughly enjoyed my own company and doing life solo, that was never a problem. Self love means so much more to me now though, for me it’s listening to the hurtful words that play inside my mind and not accept them as truth; replacing these insults with words of love, support and encouragement. It’s honouring my body and not allowing people in my sacred space that do not hold love or respect for me, listening to the pain and discontinuing the victim story, setting boundaries with other people in order to honour my self worth and protect my energy. I had to physically feel what self love meant for me in order to comprehend the depth of it, and it’s a never ending journey, a lifetime of devotion to oneself.
What I discovered was how much deeper and more fulfilling the connections were with guys when my mind wasn’t consumed with searching for a potential mate and seeing how many boxes they ticked, or wanting to be desirable. I felt like I was really seen and the connections were more genuine. Without sexual desire, gender no longer played a leading role. I actually went through moments of feeling unisex, genderless, which was quite liberating but also simultaneously empty. Peeling back more layers of Jenna, or the attachment I had to who I thought Jenna was. In doing this, I feel I am now more clearly able to see through the mask in others. It became more about soul connections.
Most people would comment on how hard it would be, that they could never do it. But I had grown such an aversion to casual sex and became fearful or going against my bodies desires, that the idea of sleeping with someone knowing that they did not meet my needs on all levels seemed so pointless.
I had many different waves of ideas of what I thought I did and didn’t want in guys and relationships. There were times where I wondered if this was the life I wanted to lead, to be completely devoted to my spiritual practice and remain celibate. I ended up suppressing my sexual urges which revealed itself through dreams and fantasies. These urges were messages from my body consciousness, but I tried to deny their existence which completely disconnected me from my pussy and my body altogether. I couldn’t even imagine dating let alone be in a relationship, trying to fit someone in my life. I used to quietly pride myself in how independent and self reliant I was, that I could go my whole life without needing to be with anyone. I never cared for marriage and believed that romantic love was simply a distraction on my spiritual path. I said it so much that it became like a self prophesying mantra. However, I had very contradicting wants and needs laying underneath it all. It is no wonder I was attracting the people and situations I did, it was a result of the confusion I felt and the paradoxical headspace I live in – which I’ve now become very aware of.
This suppression of my need for love, intimacy and sex had reached boiling point. One day I had been driving in the car for several hours and got booked for speeding. I thought I was going to lose my licence, so it triggered me, and as I drove off I started to cry, crying turned to screaming, anger arose, then the real truth surfaced; I screamed “I DESERVE TO BE LOVED”.
I repeated and repeated it until exhaustion. It came as a shock to me and I felt like a child throwing a tantrum, but these words set me free. Literally in those moments my whole mindset changed. I had a longing for a connection with someone that ticked all the boxes and matched all my needs, but I had grown impatient and lost faith in the universe that this perfect person wouldn’t appear. I felt like a victim and the universe was letting me down, but I had been sending mixed messages all along. It turned out to be the biggest lesson and blockage for me; that I deserve to be loved by another. Spiritual texts always speak of love being something that is inside of us and that we don’t need to seek outside. I believe this to be true but I had used this as an excuse to cover up the fact that my heart was closed and receiving love from another was really fucking difficult, and admitting it to myself was even harder. I had so much pride surrounding romantic love, trying to fool myself into thinking I didn’t desire it, but I came to accept that day that it isn’t a weakness to want to be loved but rather a vulnerability. When I acknowledged this and owned it even if it felt uncomfortable, my heart started to open again and this shift was reflected in my physical world.
Throughout the journey I had reevaluated over and over what it was I do and don’t like, what turns me on, what my desires are, and what I was seeking in romantic partners. What I discovered was, it’s not so much the sexual act itself but the person I’m exploring myself with. What type of energy and consciousness am I merging with? Do they have respect for me? Are they comfortable with intimacy? Do they have a deep connection with themselves?
I choose to bring more awareness in my sexual experiences now. I believe sex can either be really healing or really toxic. The idea of fucking (what I perceive to be emotionless penetration), is no longer something I desire. I want to connect deeply. When I open my legs, I open my heart and I invest emotionally. If my mind and my heart are not fondled and if the heart of the other is not open, then I cannot surrender myself completely.
I am now on a path of reclaiming my sexuality in a healthy empowering way by reconnecting with my pussy, my yoni, my womb space and maintaining a deep sense of self worth.